Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER…

I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no,…

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and…

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the…

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?" He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. 3) A Tire is Male, because…

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be…

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began…

When you are in deep trouble, say nothing. . . and try to look like you know what you're doing.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage…

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 Year Old Frenchman. He…

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she."…