Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet…

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom, I stop at a rest area and head to the restroom. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"…

The rules of rural Michigan are as follows: (Listen up city slickers!!!!) 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 3. Lets get this straight; its called a…

"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed." -- Mark Twain Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself. --…

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. " I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.…

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should clear things up a bit. At prison: You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell At work: You spend most of your time in an…

If IBM ran Christmas... They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time. If Microsoft ran Christmas... Each time you bought an…

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old woman would shout, 'When I die, I…

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but…

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Those who live by the sword get shot by…

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular…

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a best sentence…